Promises

"For over a year I have been praying for what God wants with my life.
And he has answered LOUD and CLEAR. He wants me in missions. He wants me doing his work every single day. For a long time I thought God was calling me into nursing. I got comfortable and complacent there.
God showed me that comfortableness and complacency in itself can be a sin. It is accepting where you are and rejecting where you could be.
I am so thankful God speaks to me, and shows me what He wants from me.
I am a wretched sinner, and He still speaks to me."

-Blog post from May 2010

Friends, can we just revel in this for a second?? This life of missions has been over three years in the making.

If Jesus tells you something no road block, no amount of time, no amount of doubt will stop Him from fulfilling His promises to you. God is big enough to do all of this without us and yet He chooses to carry out His love for this world with us and through us.

mmm, beautiful.

Trust.

Day in and day out I sit in my office at Munson. I sit here listening to the clicking of keyboards, the voices of the lobby, the phone ringing, and to my thoughts.
Today...today it feels somehow different. It's like having a realization that my time in this chair, in the office is limited to the next month and a half, which is scary. And not scary in the "I just watched The Shining and now I'm scared." or even "I have no idea what's coming so I'm afraid of the unknown.", it's a good scary. A crazy scary. A wild scary. A scary that is experienced when one surrenders their will and desires over to The One who will mold and shape what we has planned into what He wants and sees and knows is best for us.
At least 10 times a day I am seized with fear of not fundraising enough money or leaving my job and a steady source of income. I'm walking on the water and trusting Jesus to not let me drown. This is a good scary, this is a satisfying scary, because walking in the will of Jesus is something that cannot be explained, only felt. It is a comfort and peace that surpasses any and all understanding I thought that I had in my life.

He feeds and takes care of the sparrows friends, He will also take care of you and I, we only have to trust Him.

Come, follow me.

"Full time missions" saying it out loud still seems crazy, in fact, it seems so crazy that sometimes I just stop and think about how small and ordinary I am but what a big and extraordinary God I serve.
As I sit here in my little apartment nestled into the center of small town Traverse City, Michigan it is easy to become overwhelmed with how much is going to take place over the next 66 days.
1,584 hours.
95,040 minutes.

All I can think is "Lord, how is this going to happen? That's a crazy amount of money to raise in that short of time!"
And my human anxiety and flesh momentarily take over threatening to fill my mind with doubt. And then Jesus comes, sits me down, and takes me by the hands.
"Jessi, daughter, this task is daunting and impossible in the eyes of many. Continue to follow me and I will prepare the road ahead of you, supplying you with all that you need."

Then there is only comfort, only hope, and only love.

Wonderfully Made

Between full time school, full time work, going to the gym,  laughing with my friends, spending time with Jesus and going to church there are times I feel deprived of being organic…without distraction, without noise, without my phone or my nose in a book, these moments of silence are rare.

I have found, however, that showers are that time in my life that I feel the most organic, I am what I am without anyone around. No makeup to hide behind, no fashionable clothes to hide behind, no phone in my hand to pretend to text on when I don't want to engage in conversation (don't lie you do it too). There is nothing to keep myself from really being 'seen' (other than a shower curtain but believe me, this has a point...I think).

Showers are the times when I feel God's voice as though he was sitting on the other side of the curtain talking to me, they are often times that I get revelations of true, deep meaning.
Today I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a semi last night, I didn't go to work and made camp in my living room with my laptop on full charge and my roommates Netflix password saved, evening rolled around and I felt like I just needed a shower, some things from my day had been weighing on my heart and I just needed to rinse it all away, thinking back now I don't even think I washed my hair because I was thinking so hard…awkward (note to self: wash your hair before you start reveling with Jesus..okay?)

I got to thinking about the way that I see myself…the way that my ring finger doesn't touch my middle finger because I broke it in 5th grade, the ugly vein that goes through my left thigh, the tiny freckle on my left pinky that has always looked so out of place, that weight that I really need to lose, my swollen right ankle because what did I trip over this week?…I was distracted by my imperfections that a shower cannot hide, there is no covering myself at all, someone could bust in and see me as I really am. Which lead me to think about how no amount of makeup, surgery, empty lies, or walls built can hide who I really am from God. I can color my hair and chop it all off (ie: Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta, or Brittany Spears post publicity head shave), I can lose a bunch of weight and meet society's standard for beautiful and become Miss USA (but who are we kidding here, I can't walk in high heels and my social skills error on the side of awkward most of the time), and God will still see me exactly as he does now, fearfully and wonderfully made.

This may seem like a juvenile revelation but to me, tonight, it was just what I needed. I needed to know that it doesn't make sense for us to call ourselves ugly because we never really see ourselves.
We don't see ourselves sleeping soundly, our chests rising and falling to our own rhythms.
We don't see ourselves reading a book with eyes fluttering across words that have us captivated.
We don't see ourselves looking at someone with love and care pouring from our hearts.
There is no mirror in front of us when we're laughing so hard that tears stream down our face and we hold our stomach because our muscles have grown weak with joy.

If we did we would know just exactly how bright and wonderful we are during moments in which we are truly beautiful.

God is Love,
Jessi

I've got a gypsy soul to blame

My gypsy soul is restless. My heart is yearning for a new adventure, it is aching for something fresh and new.

Though my heart aches to return to the land that stole my heart, India, I know it is not time. For my Jesus knows should I leave America, my ticket would be a one-way.

He has something else for me, some other adventure to open my heart and my eyes and serve His children.

It is now, a matter of which one.

I am so alive.

This adventure we call 'Life'

I left my heart in India.

Let's go dancing in the minefields and sailing in the storms

The future freaks me out. It puts butterflies in my stomach. It puts a childish grin on my face. It puts my mind in a million different directions. It makes me nervous. The future looks at pictures of the past and prompts me to move on. The past looks at the future with hesitation. The future pulls me in a direction I’ve been waiting for my whole life it says to me “Jessi, this is what you want! What are you waiting for?”, but my childhood pulls me in the opposite direction screaming at me “Where are you going? I’m not done yet!”
But then God breaks through the thoughts, He goes around and picks up every thought, every word, and every punctuation mark and puts them in three separate baskets. One is labeled “Future”, another “Present” and finally “Past”. Then he picks me up puts me on His lap and points to the basket labeled “Past” He says


“Daughter, my beloved, my princess, this is over with. People come, and people go. Hold on to your pictures and memories; hold on to the happy, throw away the sad. Forgive those you need to forgive. Forgiveness is not saying that the one that hurt you was right. It’s stating that I am faithful and I will do what is right.”


Then my Abba Father walks over to the basket labeled “Future” He picks me back up and sets me back on His lap, wiping away some tears, He holds me close and says;


“My love, my precious child, I have revealed a piece of my heart regarding your future. Take it, hold on to it, and trust me when I tell you something. You heard me correctly, it might be scary, it might be exciting for you, but wait patiently. Everything will play out the way I want it to, in MY time. I will only give you pieces of the puzzle that I know you can handle. I’ll never give too much. I know it’s hard to wait for what I’ve promised, I know it seems like it will never come, but trust me baby girl, trust me.”


Lastly my Daddy walks over to the basket labeled “Present” and says to me


“My baby, my girl, why are you having trouble living in this? I’ve given you this day for a reason. Once it is over, it is gone forever. What will you use it for? Will you use it looking at pictures from the past and dreaming of tomorrow? Or will you use it to enjoy the blessings I’ve given you, the people I’ve given you, or the breath I’ve breathed into your lungs? Enjoy now. Enjoy this day, this hour, this minute, this second; because once it passes you by, it’s gone. Remember what I’ve told you about the past and the future, but this is now, make it count.”



We're not dead my friends, let start acting like we're alive.