I have found, however, that showers are that time in my life that I feel the most organic, I am what I am without anyone around. No makeup to hide behind, no fashionable clothes to hide behind, no phone in my hand to pretend to text on when I don't want to engage in conversation (don't lie you do it too). There is nothing to keep myself from really being 'seen' (other than a shower curtain but believe me, this has a point...
Showers are the times when I feel God's voice as though he was sitting on the other side of the curtain talking to me, they are often times that I get revelations of true, deep meaning.
Today I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a semi last night, I didn't go to work and made camp in my living room with my laptop on full charge and my roommates Netflix password saved, evening rolled around and I felt like I just needed a shower, some things from my day had been weighing on my heart and I just needed to rinse it all away, thinking back now I don't even think I washed my hair because I was thinking so hard…awkward (note to self: wash your hair before you start reveling with Jesus..okay?)
I got to thinking about the way that I see myself…the way that my ring finger doesn't touch my middle finger because I broke it in 5th grade, the ugly vein that goes through my left thigh, the tiny freckle on my left pinky that has always looked so out of place, that weight that I really need to lose, my swollen right ankle because what did I trip over this week?…I was distracted by my imperfections that a shower cannot hide, there is no covering myself at all, someone could bust in and see me as I really am. Which lead me to think about how no amount of makeup, surgery, empty lies, or walls built can hide who I really am from God. I can color my hair and chop it all off (ie: Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta, or Brittany Spears post publicity head shave), I can lose a bunch of weight and meet society's standard for beautiful and become Miss USA (but who are we kidding here, I can't walk in high heels and my social skills error on the side of awkward most of the time), and God will still see me exactly as he does now, fearfully and wonderfully made.
This may seem like a juvenile revelation but to me, tonight, it was just what I needed. I needed to know that it doesn't make sense for us to call ourselves ugly because we never really see ourselves.
We don't see ourselves sleeping soundly, our chests rising and falling to our own rhythms.
We don't see ourselves reading a book with eyes fluttering across words that have us captivated.
We don't see ourselves looking at someone with love and care pouring from our hearts.
There is no mirror in front of us when we're laughing so hard that tears stream down our face and we hold our stomach because our muscles have grown weak with joy.
If we did we would know just exactly how bright and wonderful we are during moments in which we are truly beautiful.
God is Love,
Jessi
